Posted at 1:10 AM 0 comments (+) Everywhere I'm looking all I see are the things I don't have and can never have. I look at the people, friends, who so rooted in their lives and I honestly wonder how that feels like. It's not that they have it together all the time; it is that every facet of support in their lives that shapes them as a person is present and complete.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do about myself. It's probably never going to get better by now, and sometimes I still get so overwhelmed by the weight of the hopelessness of this life that there's nothing I can do but cry. It is desperate and devastating and it feels like a long road with no end.

What am I supposed to do if I can't have my own support, if I can't have the one who gives me the strength to pick myself up and keep going? How am I supposed to keep myself going, convince myself that this life - staying alive - is going to be worth it?

It's just so sad. Everything is so sad and we are all so alone in this race. I have no one to fall back on and no one to make it all okay and some days it kills me a little. I try really hard to make it easier for myself, but all my strength comes from me and what if it runs out one day?

I feel my soul rotting away in a dark place and I am both afraid but ready to end it all.

The end wouldn't come, though.