Posted at 3:34 AM 0 comments (+) But no matter what you say; how many awareness campaigns and Thought Catalog articles are written out there, depression and suicide is and probably will always remain a topic that causes discomfort to people.

People tiptoe around it, they avoid it as much as they can help it. And even when they talk about it, it is always in a lighthearted, "outsider" manner. They don't know what to do with you, what to say to you, once they finally start believing that you have a problem. They are probably afraid of triggering you if they said something wrong. Most of the time they choose to think you're just joking. The worst of them will brush you off, try to tell you they have the same problems and there's no reason for you to be so hung up about it.

Along the way some people have managed to convince you that it is just a phase of "sadness" which will pass, or that you are just being dramatic again. They think you have created a non-existent problem just because you want attention. They judge you based on how you outwardly are, and how that makes it "impossible" for you to be depressed. How can a person who talks and laughs as loudly as you do be depressed? Depressed people look sad all the time, they drag their feet and walk with hunched shoulders. They don't laugh. Or eat. They just cry all day, right...?

It might be easier if that is all there is to depression; if it were that easy to spot. The scariest thing is that it is all in the head. Most of the time you can be standing right next to someone with depression and have completely no idea. It does not show. And it gets dangerous because people like that know how to make it feel like home. The war inside turns into one where you welcome the devil in with open arms. I think death would probably feel like going home.

It is so easy to talk about it from a third person POV - even if you have friends or direct family who have/had depression or maybe have succumbed to it - but it is so crazy to actually live it. You don't even know how you're still alive on some days. You really don't know how to explain it, as much as I'd like to think I am good with words, how to put it to others so they can have even an inkling of how it cripples your mind and functionality because sometimes when I try to explain it, I catch myself thinking "that just sounds like you're being lazy."

It is always going to come out defensive. I am always going to be defensive about this.

There is so little I actually care about. Whether people are going to think that I am unfilial for leaving my parents behind, or if I am weak for giving in, or if I am selfish for leaving maybe my friends in guilt and pain at my death. I honesty don't even care, because I truly believe that everyone will move on after an appropriate amount of time spent grieving. Even my best friend. Even my dad.

I'm a lot better these days, in the sense that I have stopped actively thinking about dying. But if one day I ever really decide to off myself I hope everyone would understand that it was not because of my mum, or that I dropped out of uni, or that I feel in any way neglected by anyone. I was simply not made to withstand the weight of the hopelessness of this life.

There is a heck lot of things that goes on in my head every time I start thinking about this, a lot of thoughts that seem to lose their meaning in between coming out of my mouth to reaching your ears. There are a lot of things that we can only grasp at.

That's fine. We all just got to learn to deal with things.