Posted at 4:11 AM 0 comments (+) These days I read back on old entries and I get slightly surprised from time to time. They don't seem like they were written by the same person at all.

There was a time when I had had ambitions; dreams about the future I had been certain would come to realise. There was a time I had felt disappointment for failing myself, when I would vow that I would do better next time. There was a time when I had worked hard for the things I believed in, when I had loved and lived boldly and loudly.

There was a time I had wanted to have a family, kids, the whole deal. I would be a career woman, get married and quit my job when I had kids because that was the kind of mother I wanted to be. There was a time when I could never fathom why one would take their own life, a time I had believed those who did were really silly. I always got up again after falling, when I would always work harder, or at least I'd try to. There was a time when my sadness was just that, sadness, and it didn't go all the way down to my soul like this darkness now does. I had beliefs and I had strength.

There was a time I truly believed I was invincible, that I could do anything as long as I set my mind on it.

Unknowingly, years have passed like this with me depending solely on my own strength - clinging to the mantra of "it's okay you're gonna be okay" day by day - and I think I have ran myself to the ground. I have nothing and I am nothing. I am still standing but I want nothing more than to just be ashes.


"That doesn't sound like you leh." She said.

Yeah. But we all just got to learn to deal with things.