Posted at 3:21 AM 0 comments (+) This entire situation is actually quite hopeless.

I have come to hold people at arm's length because that's the way I have learned to become after all these years. You can call it a self-defense mechanism; there are a few differing reasons for it. I tend to act aloof at times, I give short, curt answers. I try to put up walls so people cannot hurt me, but instead, it backfired and caused them to talk about how I have become unpleasant.

Oh dear, but I am unpleasant because of you.

I hate how my parents always talk about me in third person as if I am not just right there and can hear everything. They discuss about me like I'm an object, or a piece of dinner gossip; somebody else's good-for-nothing daughter instead of their own. I could have chosen to block their voices out with music, but instead, like a person with something truly fucked-up inside, I choose to turn the music off so I can hear what they are saying about me again. I guess I just like the pain.

I don't even ask for anything from them anymore, so I don't know what more they want or expect from me. They talk about how I can stay at home all day (when I was younger, they tried so hard to make me stop going out and just stay home because 'that is how a girl should behave'), how I shut them down with my short responses and it must be that I have some kind of a morning temper.

Oh dear. Oh dear, I want to tell them. You are the ones making me act like this. I don't have a morning temper. It's you.

It is hard to believe that at halfway to 24, my parents are still one of my biggest sources of anguish in life. I don't even think this is me going through some kind of a late rebellious phase. I am just here, kind of trying to keep myself alive, staying well out of anyone's way. But trying to live doesn't seem to be enough for them.

I am always just sitting there and taking it.

I never bother to say anything in retaliation, or try to correct anything they say because I have already learned very early on that there's no point in trying to tell them anything; my parents will only see what they choose to see and think what they want to think about me. So I just keep quiet and let them talk. I don't talk back, I don't even roll my eyes like I would use to some years ago. I just sit there and take it. To me, that's the fastest and easiest way for them to move on from the topic, I've always thought that whatever I say will only spark a longer discussion from them about how I am pretty much shit at life. As if I needed anyone telling me that.

Yet all they can conclude is that I have some kind of a fucked up temper.

Dear god, I honestly can't even.

With each consecutive day that I stay home, I wonder if today will be the day when one of them will come and say some shit to me about finding a job and the likes and it leaves me incredibly tense and bothered. I can't even stand being in the same room as my father anymore. It's just that he keeps triggering me? I just want to be left alone but someone just has to come along and aggravate me, and he happens to deal some of the worst blows. Just a few sentences from him is enough to set me back 10 steps in my efforts of trying to stay alive.

Sometimes I have conflicting thoughts. I think that I should act like a mature adult and be nice to them so they can see that no, I do not have a fucked up temper. But more often than not, I think I should just stay the hell away from them as much as I can before they break some part of me again. It's just that they really hurt me so much I just want to stay away as a wiser decision. Because it feels like they won't stop until they find me dead.

I am aware that this sounds incredibly whiny; still complaining about your parents at this age. It's just that I really need to get away from them before some stupid shit happens.

My life is such a mess right now and everywhere I turn I am faced with... well, nothing. I have no one and there is nothing for me. I have no options, nowhere to just rest and heal for a while.

I can't seem to find a job. I want to go back to school (another school, sure as hell not UOL) and major in something I actually give a shit about this time, but I don't have that kind of money. I can't take a bank loan because I don't even have an income and I am not going to ask for help from my parents because I will never hear the end of it (even if I do, I don't think either of them meet the requirement for minimum income as well). I want to move out but I clearly can't because the price of housing in Singapore is no fucking joke. I want to escape somewhere overseas, just a change of environment for a while, but I don't know anyone who can put me up for an indefinite period of time and long-term accommodation overseas is just as expensive. I don't even need to go overseas actually, I'd be fine with just being away from my parents for a while, but I don't even have a place I can go to here because I have been holding everyone at arm's length and I will probably have to explain extensively about the depression and why I can't function on most days which, who would want to put a depressive up in their home?

This entire situation is just...what do you want me to do?

Everything just takes so much effort. Why does life have to be so devastatingly hopeless?