Annual Roundup: 2015. Posted at 7:34 AM 0 comments (+) It's rather hard to believe that it's already the last day of 2015/first day of 2016 (whenever I finally stop procrastinating and finish writing this) (update: It's 2nd January). Not that it really matters; I've been waiting for this year to be over for a good while now.

I've been thinking about what to write in this year's ender since the start of December, but my mind just stalls and goes blank, and then I give up and decide to leave it for another day.

Another year passes; half of it spent going to classes and not really studying for my third UOL exams, a quarter of it spent slogging long hours at my temporary desk job, and finally, the last quarter of the year was spent not quite ever doing anything.

I know, every year has been pretty much shit since the year I turned 20, but this was the most trying year by far because of several big changes in life. My dad lost his job, and I finally, finally, dropped out of UOL after a long fight. The dropping out created a lot of tension between me and my parents (who were convinced I never put in any sort of effort for this), especially with my dad, and who could blame them really. 3 years of paying all that money amounted to nothing, after all.

Even though this space sees some of the most honest and needy sides of me - things I would never usually admit or bring up to others face-to-face - I haven't really talked about either of these things here, saving the details for when I meet up with friends. It's nothing to be proud of after all. It has really been a rough ride.

I do still think about it a lot; whether it would've been better if I'd just stayed in school, bitten the bullet and stuck it out, and what I'm going to do about life next. I'm pretty much at a dead end right now where my education is concerned. It's crippling the way it is here.

Thinking about the future scares me. I know it is the same for everyone, we're standing at the edge of adulthood but I don't think anybody ever really has everything figured out or knows exactly what to do. We all just take it one step at a time. But me, I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm afraid I'm going to live. I'm afraid I'll have to spend another countless years ahead doing exactly the same things; struggling in the depths of the darkness in my mind, not good enough to heal but not bad enough to die. I'm afraid that even tomorrow, or next month, there could be any time that I will have to spend trying to fight my own mind, never sure if I will win. I'm so afraid that it's never going to get better, that after I have used up everything I have in me to hold on that the future was not even worth it.

But despite everything, I am still trying intermittently. On and off, on and off. There will be times when I am really trying my best and hardest to be a better person and friend, when I can be spontaneous and funny and never sad. But there will also be times when I'm irritable and extremely difficult to be around. I try not to be around anyone or let them be around me when I'm like that though, but I know it's still not an easy thing for people to grasp how there can be days when I just wake up and not want to do anything I have promised I will.

I think by this point, we are all just tired. After being alive for 25 years and realising the hard truth that life just gets harsher and more disappointing with each year, it has to get tiring. We're all so tired of having to play catch-up with friends, trying to juggle our priorities and to find that balance, and how to be less of an asshole (for me). I know that nothing goes perfectly smoothly in anybody's life, but if you can be at peace with even the rough bits then I think that's a pretty damn awesome thing.

I don't have any groundbreaking plans for the new year, I'm just working on bettering myself. I have an ideal of the kind of person I want to be, but the more I work towards that, I am also sometimes faced with an existential crisis(?) that I am losing my true self. The real, or should I say original, version of me is an extremely unpleasant one that even I don't like lol. So I keep trying to do or say things differently, less forcefully, but I always somehow find myself stuck in a sort of in-between. I want to hold people closer to me, love them fiercely like I once would, but I also want to stay further away so they cannot take advantage of or hurt me. It only hurts because it matters, after all. I have told myself countless times that I will never be the fool again; I want to be the one others try to hold on to, to fight for, for a change but honestly I still don't know which is the better option, because it always feels like it can go both ways.

A while ago I met up with old classmates and we had some to drink and looking back, I really hate how I spoke too much too easily. I hate how I couldn't have just sat there and smiled nicely all night instead of shooting my mouth off (like always). And yesterday I received something in the post from and old friend that told me to "be myself" and all I could think about is how much I don't like the way I actually am. It's quite funny because I have always said how much I dislike one of those "dainty girls" who does everything gently and softly, but on the other hand hoping I could become more like one of those girls. I guess the life of a dainty girl is just not for me; there is no softness or gentleness in me, I am all sharp edges and loudness. Shoud've known.

Like I said, 2015 was one of the roughest years for me, but I walked out of it alive, and it wasn't without its little perks. Congratulations to the ones who are somehow still around despite my non-efforts - maybe reluctance - when it comes to us. I have friends who have been with me a long long time, people who know me and my sharp edges and it's a precious thing to have people who share a common past and whom I can look back on the old days and laugh about them together with.

Regardless of how much the darkness threatens to engulf me on too many days, and how much I always think I'm probably better off not breathing, I pray I'll always have the strength to pull myself back and walk out of '16 alive and hopefully, slightly stronger. I hope I get better at this life thing.

One day at a time.

And to all the rest of you, have a great year ahead!