Posted at 4:13 AM 0 comments (+) I've been putting off writing this for a long time because the times when I'm not tired, I'm lazy, or simply too overwhelmed by the amount of things I want to write about.

What I want to say for certain is: I have clearly spoken too soon in my last post that the year has been kind to me thus far because '16 is fast turning out to be one heck of a nightmare. How hard can a year be when it has only been barely three and a half months, right?

Very hard.

So anyway, after about 1 or 2 months of very seriously looking for a job, I am still jobless.

I have lost count of the number of times I have filled in application forms; writing my employment and education history, getting asked the questions "Is there any reason you terminated your studies in UOL?" and "So your highest qualification now is A levels right?"

I have gone for a bunch of dead-end interviews; none of them really lead anywhere and I feel like they were all a waste of my time, and yet nothing better seems to be coming along. I have been doing an okay job at picking myself up. At least I am still trying, even after having gone round and round fruitlessly for so long.

I'm quite a bit better these days, surprisingly. Despite the countless failures, I am still bouncing back each time. The darkness has retreated for a while and I feel okay enough. I have opened up and find myself craving human connection at some points. I want to discuss the difficult situations with my friends, have their opinion, or maybe simply just to have a chat. But I find that people have gotten worse at coming back to me, often leaving me hanging and I find myself thinking I was better off being batshit depressed and closed off. It doesn't seem like people give a shit either way. Nobody even has time for a chat.

I really hate feeling needy or dependent on others. And it really bothers me when people don't even bother to reciprocate. Yes, this only occurs over texts. Yes, they are not like that when we see each other. But how often can we do that now? It's getting harder and harder with everyone in the workforce, having different work schedules and free days. I can't even drop someone a "hey, let's meet for dinner and a drink tonight?" even when I feel like I really need them, so if people don't want to even act like they give a shit then I don't know what the fuck to do.

I'm not saying any of these in a vicious way; I know everybody is just really busy trying to take care of themselves and whatever else is a priority in their lives. I'm just saying I hate that I feel like I always have to compete for someone's attention and I always lose, or that that makes me feel small and unimportant. Especially with how rough everything has been going lately, I feel this even more. And yes, I can't help but feel a bit resentful about everything despite knowing how nobody has the intention to hurt me. I don't even need them to reach out first, I just need them to not leave me hanging when I do.

When I was overcome by darkness I didn't want to talk to or meet anybody, and I didn't care if they didn't care about me. It seems to me I'd rather be in that state; permanently stuck in a loop of dangerous thoughts and random bursts of mad-woman crying at any time of the day.

I have finally come to realise the fact that if I were to ever be in distress and needed help while I was outside I would have absolutely no one I could call. If I were making a last-ditch effort to call for attention or help in hopes of someone changing my mind before I tried to kill myself, I would surely die successfully.

"You are all you've got."
I have never felt this more deeply than now.