Posted at 1:41 AM 0 comments (+) I wonder, one day, when I'm finally dead and gone from this world,
lying cold and lifeless in the earth,

What kind of memories will others have of me?

I built the last years of my life around never letting anyone come too close,
it was all about detaching, detaching, detaching.
How can I honestly expect anyone to truly care about me?
When I have never let them?

I get upset and disappointed when others do not understand me,
but how can they, when I have always acted in the opposite way?
I let them think I'm heartless and emotionless and that nobody matters to me and I don't care about anything.
So how can I feel frustrated and misunderstood when they think of me as cold and difficult?

It is what I have chosen to show to the world.
I made myself this way. I ruined myself.

Recently I keep getting the feeling that maybe everybody secretly hates me. Regardless of where I go or who I'm with, I always get the feeling of being an outcast, unable to fit in. There is always a silence, a void of replies after I have spoken.

Maybe they don't enjoy hanging out with my negativity and how I always talk too much.
Maybe it's just the way I am.

I'm not really sure how to be.
These days I feel myself getting bad again. If I'm honest I'm not doing so well anymore.

Still.

I was truly not made to withstand the weight of this world.