Posted at 5:01 PM 0 comments (+) I don't know why I'm still like this.

I'm starting to see a pattern in the way things go. What goes up must come down, right? So I really shouldn't be so surprised. I just want to know why.

Why, now that I'm already completely financially independent, when I can quite literally buy most things that I fancy, get to travel overseas at least twice a year, when I'm no longer really subjected to the kind of verbal and mental stress from before. Why am I still not fucking okay?

There are still one too many days when I can't summon the energy to do anything. Days at work when I need to just stop for a bit, to squat down in that familiar handicap toilet cubicle and calm myself. When I can't bring myself to engage in even the most mundane of conversations with my colleagues, or even muster a halfhearted smile. There are still more days than not when I think I would much prefer to be not breathing. I still don't think this life means anything at all.

I think after some time of not having some kind of major depressive episode, I might have started to think that I have healed myself. Then again, I'd be the first to call bullshit on that because I have never believed that this would ever really go away. Not really.

And it hasn't.

I had a flash this afternoon in that handicap toilet cubicle how it would feel if I just fell backwards off a tall building. Maybe if I can't see the ground rushing up at me I might feel like I'm flying. But I know that is too dramatic, even for me.

All I want is to find a place to quietly die.