Posted at 3:27 AM 0 comments (+) I'm not doing so hot these days if I were to be honest.

I realised some things a few days ago.

I am, have been, shown by friends or even regular acquaintances that they care about me. I do take note of the small and big things people do for me. Things they don't have to do, but they do for me all the same because they care about me. I write them down, so I don't forget. I am aware, and every time it happens my chest feels warm, along with the feelings that I don't deserve people being this nice to me.

If there's anything I've learnt recently, it is really that you get what you give. I have never given anything to anyone, not for a long time now, so I shouldn't expect to get anything back either. I have always selfishly kept every part of myself close to me, never sharing. But at the same time, I keep expecting people to give me a part of themselves. That doesn't work. How can it? But in spite of it all, there are still friends who give me a part of themselves, show me that they care, and all I do is take, take, take.

You see, this is the thing. Even if I know in the depths of my heart that there are people who care, and I am not as alone as I think I am, my brain keeps telling me otherwise. And let me tell you that there is nothing louder than the voice that tells me, all the freaking time, NOBODY CARES.

It is a terrible time for everyone, we're all dealing with this global crisis etc etc and we have been told to not make this about ourselves. But it's hard, SO HARD when days and weeks go by and there's not a single peep on my phone on my 10 different social media apps, to not project my abandonment issues and feel resentment towards people in general.

Every time this happens I think about how ridiculously stupid and selfish I am. And I am truly, truly so tired of dealing with myself. I think it's just a fucking irony how badly I wish to be comforted but I reflexively deflect any and everyone who tries to respond to my cries for help. I feel pathetic for showing all these emotions openly, feels like a monodrama. Nonexistent issues that I made up in my mind, victimising myself.

I think this semi lockdown period has brought out some anxiety issues within me which I never knew I had. Some days I can't even sit still. Tiny inconveniences dissolve me into frustrated tears. I don't have a stress ball so I squeeze my calf until red crescent imprints appear, until it bruises.

Of course, I don't reach out first. Never do, never will.

Love my friends to death but 
I never call and I never text yeah