Everyday I wonder whether people want me around. 

When I send a text and get left me on read. Am I being annoying? When I publish something on my art account and lose followers. Ah, was that not as good as my past works? When someone asks me how I am, but don't really care about my reply. So, they actually don't care about me?

And because of that, I find that a lot of times I hesitate on sharing personal things with others, because I feel like nobody cares to know these things about me anyway. Because it was the countless times of being ignored and being talked over that showed me so. People keep telling me they care and they want me around then go on to show me the exact opposite of that. It makes me not know what to feel.

It's just. I just feel like there's no place for me in this world. Wherever I go, I can't seem to fit in. I try so hard, sometimes I people-please to get into people's inner circles, but doing so takes so much out of me so it's hard for me to keep that up, and so eventually, I fade out into the background. 

I just feel so invisible sometimes. Like if I never spoke again the world would simply forget about me and move right on. Sometimes I feel like that's what I want, other times I feel incredibly left out and it makes me feel bad about myself. Nobody really needs me around. 

It's funny because I feel like all I ever wanted was to be special to somebody, a priority, someone they will always favour and take the side of. But I get insanely afraid and wildly averse to people getting too close.

God, I can't believe I have been alive for nearly three decades on this earth. What a waste.

I don't know how to keep living in a world where I'm not wanted.