Every time I try to think about what to say, my mind gets stuck on a whole flurry of words, fighting to get out, but also fighting to stay inside because I don't know what's the point of saying them. 

I just read back on my blog posts, and it stuns me how almost nothing has changed in the last few years. I'm still saying the same old shit I was saying from 4, 5 years ago. Nothing has changed. It does not get better. 

I am getting so tired of saying the same things over and over like a broken record but what else do I have other than my words? 

Yeah, I'm going through it again. Round and round and round, just like I knew I would. Like I knew that I would regret not killing myself last December. My intuition has never been wrong after all. 

So after the clusterfuck that was 2021, and everything that happened in it, I became even surer of something I'd always had a creeping suspicion about: That no matter what I do, where I go, this feeling of wanting to die is never going to go away because whatever the problem/trigger is, it is inside me. I carry it around no matter where I go. It creeps out on me with the smallest triggers. And it hurts, and hurts, and fucking hurts. 

I feel so trapped in this life. Whenever I stop and try to think about my future, I just feel even more defeated. 

I wrote this in one of my entries here a few years ago: "There is nothing left in this life for me. No matter how many different avenues I try to explore, try to postulate, create a mental flow chart of If A, then B, it never ends anywhere I think I might want to be. It never even goes anywhere." and I think it's just sad that now, more than 5 years after I wrote this, it still rings true. 

The realities of life were never something I can overcome with simply a positive mindset. It slaps me right back in place and makes sure I never forget it.