I ended my 3-year stint at my job yesterday and today's Day 1 of my unemployment so I just thought I wanted to really sit down and think about things for a while. 

3 years feels like such a weird period of time; it's definitely not considered long for a job but also not all that short by my standards. Just for the sake of the record, even though I doubt I would ever forget this in my life, this was a mass redundancy exercise because the company decided to upgrade some of the existing systems and also outsource our roles. 

I have to say that I probably never imagined this would happen to me. 30, and retrenched. In my mind, retrenchment had always been something for the more mature workers to worry about. People who are older and have lost the agility to adapt to newer, more advanced technology and systems, or simply have a much steeper learning curve. Even when I was told about similar situations around me, that has happened to people around my age, I still never thought that was something that would happen to me. It's kinda like being diagnosed with some terminal illness, you know? You just never think you'll be that unlucky one. 

Until you are. 

A large part of the reason I have never really worried about such a thing is also because I'm confident in my performance at work. I have always been, if I may say so myself, an exemplary employee. I learn new things quickly, do my job well. I am fast and accurate, I don't have any issues with conduct. I am, objectively speaking, a more efficient and better worker than some of the others who get to stay. And I think that's the hardest thing about this entire "being laid off" situation for me to swallow. 

Why me? 

I've asked myself this question so many times in these last few months, and I could never figure out the answer. I don't know why. My colleagues don't know why. Everybody was surprised to find out that I had been cut. Even though management says that it's a business decision, it's really hard not to take it as some kind of a personal failure. Why me? Is it because I keep to myself and don't socialise with the others as much? Is it because my boss simply doesn't like me? There must be a reason I was chosen to leave instead of some of these other people who are not as capable. What is it? 

Of course, I will never have an answer to that, so at some point I realised I just have to take it as it is. In a way, it's really not a bad thing. The management of our team has gotten really lacklustre in the last year or so, and I had also considered leaving a few times because this place just wasn't stimulating or rewarding to be in anymore. But I didn't, because I know it would be hard for me to find another job that could pay higher, or even on par, given my qualifications or skill sets. 

I was so anxious about not having a next place to go that I actually lost sleep over it. Which also made me think about why that is because in the past, I always left my jobs with nothing lined up and I'll just chill and take a break for a few months, but now I got so anxious before even leaving this place. But anyhow, with the help of my acting manager, I did manage to land a new job. The terms are not the best but you know, a job is better than no job. (I'm still waiting to hear back from the other 2 interviews I've been to and I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for some good news soon.)

But then, that also got me thinking. I have been working for the last 6 years, and honestly I don't feel like my employability has increased at all as compared to when I first entered the job market, when I had no degree and no experience. Of course I know that's not completely true, because with every job that I change, the search gets a bit easier and more people hit back when I send a resume out, and that's definitely owing to the experience gained in these years. But then I find that I always settle so easily because I have that mindset of "a job is better than no job" and to just see how it goes. Not to mention it's such a hassle and emotionally draining to look for a job and go for interviews, so most of the time I accept a job that has okay terms without thinking about how this can add to my portfolio and my subsequent job search. The other part of the reason is also because I've been so deeply depressed in the last few years that I never plan for my life or career in the long term simply because I am convinced I will not be here in the long term, so I never actually progress even after having worked for 6 years. 

Having been working in the same place for the last 3 years, where there was great employee benefits, it felt like I have been sheltered there for a long time. I was convinced that I don't have to worry about all these things as long as I just stay there. But then as always, fate loves throwing me curveballs and I was uprooted and forced to face my mediocrity once again. Of course, I feel lost, especially when my close friends around me are progressing steadily in their careers and have even built a home for themselves. I just really am not sure where I am headed in life, or if there is any purpose for me to continue staying but... I'm trying to think of better days.

Anyway, this is all just to say that I may or may not be considering re-enrolling in school (for the third time, jesus) to change something about this, but for now I'm just thinking about it. I mean, I recognise that there is this need to upgrade myself (what have I been doing for the last 6 years?! All this time, gone!) so I've been looking into some shorter diploma courses because a degree is honestly too daunting to think about right now. It's also the fact that after so many years of never actively using my brain, my cognitive skills are so slow and my attention span is so bad that makes something like studying feel impossible for me. Even simple tasks I used to enjoy, like reading, or watching movies and dramas, are actually challenging for me now because my mind simply cannot stay focused. 

I'm clearing my leave now and I have about 5 or 6 weeks until I start my new job, and this time I have now is completely free. I don't know, I hope I spend it somewhat productively. But I am also aware and I feel that I am currently in my extremely short-lived phase where I feel productive and like I can tackle anything. I just hope this feeling stays because we know once the depressive slump hits again I'm not going to be getting anything done. 

Writing this post was also a to-do I put down on the list because I always let things just pass without really sitting down to reflect and think about what's ahead because I'm lazy and don't like to use my brain. Even writing this entry, I was distracted a few times and have to force myself to get back on track. But this is done now, and I will look into the other things I'm thinking about. Be it useful skills to learn, or planning for my Korea trip next month (!!) which is, ironically, funded by the compensation given to me for the severance. 

Honestly, it's all really amusing how a few months ago I had been planning to kill myself in August but now I'm planning my trip to Korea.

I hope the next time I write here, it would be for happier reasons.